A holiday as big and widely celebrated as Christmas has a lot of room to be made fun of. The whole world becomes so busy and extravagant in celebration that we can sometimes miss the eccentricity of it all. Christmas is wholesome, Christmas is magnificent, and Christmas is funny.
Think of the family quarrels, jokes over dinner tables, long bills, stress over getting everything done, the new and bright clothes, everyone coming together, it’s all a spectacle of frenzy. To help you look at it with a humorous eye and not get overwhelmed, I bring to you funny Christmas quotes.
These quotes will help you have more fun at the holidays and observe the activities with a chuckle. ‘Tis the season for laughter!
Funny Christmas Quotes
“I haven’t taken my Christmas lights down. They look so nice on the pumpkin.”
― Winston Spear
“Christmas sweaters are only acceptable as a cry for help.”
― Andy Borowitz
“A lovely thing about Christmas is that it’s compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together.”
― Garrison Keillor
“There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus; he does not believe in Santa Claus; he is Santa Claus.”
― Bob Phillips
“Christmas is a box of tree ornaments that have become part of the family.”
― Charles M. Schulz
“Of course Santa is dead. You force a guy to eat a billion cookies in one night, what do you think is going to happen?”
― Jimmy Kimmel
“One can never have enough socks. Another Christmas has come and gone and I didn’t get a single pair. People will insist on giving me books.”
― J.K. Rowling
“The office Christmas party is a great opportunity to catch up with people you haven’t seen for 20 minutes.”
― Julius Sharpe
“At Christmas, tea is compulsory. Relatives are optional.”
― Robert Godden
“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.”
― Phyllis Diller
“We elves try to stick to the four main food groups: candy, candy canes, candy corns, and syrup.”
― Buddy the Elf
“You can tell a lot about a person by the way they handle three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.”
― Maya Angelou
“I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. He said, ‘So does the guy I stole it from.’”
― David Letterman
“Christmas, here again. Let us raise a loving cup; Peace on earth, goodwill to men, and make them do the washing up.”
― Wendy Cope
“I don’t want Christmas season to end, because it’s the only time I can legitimately indulge in on particular addiction: glitter.”
― Eloisa James
“Christmas is a baby shower that went totally overboard.”
― Andy Borowitz
“Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.”
― Victor Borge
“That’s the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.”
― Jerry Seinfeld
“It’s easier to feel a little more spiritual with a couple of bucks in your pocket.”
― Craig Ferguson
“Keep your friends close, your enemies closer, and receipts for all major purchases.”
― Bridger Winegar
“I love Christmas. I receive a lot of wonderful presents I can’t wait to exchange.”
― Henny Youngman
“Nothing’s as mean as giving a little child something useful for Christmas.”
― Kin Hubbard
”A Christmas miracle is when your family doesn’t get into a single argument all day.”
― Melanie White
“The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.”
― Johnny Carson
”The main reason Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live.”
― George Carlin
“I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.”
― Bernard Manning
“I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store, and he asked for my autograph.”
― Shirley Temple
I set a personal record on Christmas. I got my shopping done three weeks ahead of time. I had all the presents back at my apartment, I was halfway through wrapping them, and I realized, ‘Damn, I used the wrong wrapping paper.’ The paper I used said, ‘Happy Birthday.’ I didn’t want to waste it, so I just wrote ‘Jesus’ on it.”
― Demetri Martin
“Never worry about the size of your Christmas tree. In the eyes of children, they are all 30 feet tall.”
― Larry Wilde
“I bought my brother some gift wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.”
― Steven Wright
“There are a lot of things money can’t buy. Not one of them is on my son’s list.”
― Milton Berle
“Oh look, yet another Christmas TV special! How touching to have the meaning of Christmas brought to us by cola, fast food, and beer… Who’d have ever guessed that product consumption, popular entertainment, and spirituality would mix so harmoniously? ”
― Bill Watterson
“It’s that special time of year when your whole family gathers together in one place to look at their cellphones.”
― Jimmy Kimmel
“Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.”
― Johnny Carson
“My husband’s idea of getting the Christmas spirit is to become Scrooge.”
― Melanie White
”From a commercial point of view, if Christmas did not exist, it would be necessary to invent it.”
― Katharine Whitehorn
“Christmas is such a carefree, low-pressure time—that’s one of the things I love about it”.
― Stephen King
“Thank you, Stockings, for being a long flammable piece of fabric people like to hang over a roaring fireplace.”
― Jimmy Fallon
“Sending Christmas cards is a good way to let your friends and family know that you think they’re worth the price of a stamp.”
― Melanie Stamp
“My wife, like many women, actually likes wrapping things. If she gives you a gift that requires batteries, she wraps the batteries separately, which to me is very close to being a symptom of mental illness.”
― Dave Barry
”Even before Christmas has said Hello, it’s saying ‘Buy Buy.’”
― Robert Paul
“This past Christmas, I told my girlfriend for months in advance that all I wanted was an Xbox. That’s it. Beginning and end of list, Xbox. You know what she got me? A homemade frame with a picture of us from our first date together. Which was fine. Because I got her an Xbox.”
― Anthony Jeselnik
“I left Santa gluten-free cookies and organic soy milk and he put a solar panel in my stocking.”
― Earthman Adam
“More than Santa Claus, your sister knows when you’ve been bad and good.”
― Linda Sunshine
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